Imagine a balloon filled with water. Slowly, drip by drip, the water flows in. At first, it’s light—manageable even. But as the balloon swells, the weight grows heavier, the pressure tighter, until eventually, it can’t hold anymore. It bursts.
This is what it’s like for many children caught in high-conflict separations. They are the balloon. The conflict is the water.
The Invisible Pressure
For children of separated parents, life can already be complicated. But when that separation is laced with constant arguments, manipulation, legal battles, and emotional tug-of-wars, the pressure becomes immense. They are often the silent witnesses, absorbing the tension and turmoil around them, afraid to take sides but also desperate for peace.
Every time a parent vents about the other, asks the child to “choose,” or uses them as a messenger, another drop of water enters the balloon. It doesn’t seem like much in the moment, but over time, it adds up.
These children become experts at hiding their emotions. They might smile, pretend everything’s fine, and say what each parent wants to hear just to keep the peace. But inside, the balloon swells.
The Teenage Breaking Point
By the time they reach their teenage years—especially around 16—they’ve often had enough. They’re old enough to recognize the dysfunction, the manipulation, the unfairness. They want independence, control, and freedom—not just from their parents, but from the endless cycle of conflict they’ve been stuck in for years.
At 16, many start to push back. They may withdraw emotionally, act out, or make bold decisions like refusing to see one parent or demanding to live with the other. Some might even sever ties altogether—not because they don’t love their parents, but because it’s the only way they can protect themselves from the constant emotional flooding.
The balloon bursts.
The Lost Childhood
What’s often overlooked is that while parents are locked in conflict, their children are quietly losing something they can never get back—their childhood.
Instead of carefree days filled with play, laughter, and exploration, these kids grow up in the shadow of adult problems. They miss out on the joy of simply being a child because their world is filled with stress, anxiety, and emotional responsibility far beyond their years.
They don’t get to just be—they’re too busy surviving the storm around them.
They Just Want to Be Kids
Teens and children in high-conflict separations don’t want to be caught in the storm of adult problems. They don’t want to be referees, therapists, or emotional dumping grounds.
They just want to do what kids and teens do.
They want to laugh with their friends at school, stay up late playing video games or watching Netflix, go to the mall, play sports, join clubs, have silly arguments about music or crushes, stress about tests—not custody arrangements.
They want to go on school trips, have birthday parties, and complain about chores—not worry about hurting one parent’s feelings by enjoying time with the other.
They crave normalcy—the freedom to be carefree, messy, and young. When conflict overshadows their lives, these everyday joys are replaced with anxiety, guilt, and constant emotional balancing acts.
When they finally say, “I just want to be left alone,” or “I can’t take it anymore,” it’s not rebellion—it’s self-preservation.
What Parents Often Miss
In the heat of conflict, it’s easy for parents to lose sight of what their children need. They might believe they’re fighting “for” their kids, but to the children, it often feels like their needs and voices are lost in the battle. What they truly crave is peace, consistency, and love—not loyalty tests or being used as leverage.
They don’t want to be the battleground. They want to be kids. They want a chance to enjoy their childhood—before it’s over.
Letting the Pressure Out Before It’s Too Late
The good news? It doesn’t have to end in an emotional explosion. Parents in conflict can take steps to ease the pressure:
- Communicate respectfully, if not for each other, then for the child.
- Keep kids out of the middle—no passing messages, no bad-mouthing the other parent.
- Let them feel heard without judgment or agenda.
- Get support—whether through mediation, counseling, or co-parenting therapy—to manage conflict in healthier ways.
Final Thoughts
Children in high-conflict separations are resilient, but they’re not indestructible. They carry more than most people realize, and by the time they’re 16, many are ready to run—not from their parents, but from the conflict that has defined so much of their young lives.
Let’s not wait for the balloon to burst. Let’s help them release the pressure, reclaim their joy, and experience a childhood worth remembering—not one they wish they could forget.
Zayne Jouma is the Founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court Lay-Assistant (McKenzie Friend), and Community Coach. Zayne has supported many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted thousands of self-represented parents in their Family Court and High Court and Court Of Appeal cases across New Zealand. He is trained in conflict coaching, mediation, and child voice inclusion in mediation, and has extensive experience in complex cases involving resist/refuse dynamics, Family Violence, Relationship Property and Care of Children.
