Children are smarter and more sensitive than we often realise. Even when you think they’re busy playing or have “tuned out,” they pick up on tension between parents. A sigh, a cold tone, or an offhand comment about the other parent — kids notice it all.
When a parent talks badly about the other, even in small ways, children can feel torn and confused. They wonder, “Who’s right? Who’s wrong?” or worse, “Is this somehow my fault?” This emotional tug-of-war can take a heavy toll on their well-being.
The Hidden Impact
Over time, exposure to conflict between parents can:
- Affect school performance and focus
- Lead to anxiety, sadness, or other emotional struggles
- Cause difficulties in friendships or trusting others
- Leave emotional scars that can last into adulthood
And here’s the tricky part: you don’t have to fight in front of your children for them to feel the tension. They sense the tone, the silence, the shift in mood. Kids are incredibly intuitive — little “smart cookies” who can read a room faster than most adults.
What the Research Says
Decades of research in child psychology confirm what many parents already know in their hearts: conflict hurts kids.
- Emotional health: Children exposed to parental conflict are at higher risk of anxiety, depression, and behavioral issues that can persist into later life (ACAMH Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry).
- Feeling caught in the middle: When kids are drawn into adult disagreements (known as triangulation), they often experience guilt, confusion, and stress (Oxford Human Communication Research).
- Academic and social impact: Ongoing conflict can reduce motivation, school performance, and the ability to form healthy peer relationships (Springer Journal of Happiness Studies).
- Long-term effects: These experiences can shape future relationships and mental health well into adulthood (Verywell Family).
What You Can Do
Protecting your children from conflict isn’t about being perfect — it’s about being mindful. Here are a few small but powerful shifts that make a big difference:
- Keep adult conversations between adults.
- Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your kids.
- Reassure your children that they are loved and not responsible for the conflict.
- Model calm, respectful communication whenever possible.
When children feel secure and free from adult conflict, they’re better able to focus on what really matters — being kids.
Final Thought:
Children carry what they learn about love, communication, and respect into every relationship they’ll ever have. By keeping conflict away from their hearts and minds, you’re giving them one of the greatest gifts — emotional safety and peace.
Zayne Jouma, Founder and Chairman of FDSS, is a self-taught and trained Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court Lay-Assistant (McKenzie Friend), and Community Coach. He has supported many parents through mediation and conflict resolution, assisting thousands of self-represented parents in Family Court, High Court, and Court of Appeal cases across New Zealand. Zayne is trained in conflict coaching, mediation, and child voice inclusion in mediation, with extensive experience in complex cases involving resist/refuse dynamics, family violence, relationship property, and care of children. He is also a licensed and approved New Ways for Families® Coach, trained by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute.
