How Many More Years of Co-Parenting Do I Have With the Other Parent?
For many parents, the answer may be 5, 10, or even 15 years—the remainder of your child’s upbringing. That’s a long time to stay stuck in a cycle of high conflict, Family Court litigation stress, unresolved issues, and emotional turmoil.
Now, ask yourself:
“How long do I want to remain stuck in this cycle?”
For most parents, the answer is:
“Not a moment longer.”
Constant litigation and high-conflict co-parenting not only drains your mental health but also negatively affects your child’s sense of security and well-being. Children thrive in an environment of stability, predictability, and cooperative parenting. Lingering conflict creates stress and uncertainty, undermining their emotional development and sense of safety.
Shaping your next years of co-parenting to be easy, civil, and stress-free is under your control. The choices you make today can create a more positive, peaceful future for you and your child.
But What About the Other Parent?
A common response we hear is:
- “Oh, he/she will never agree.”
- “He/she is the cause of all the conflict.”
- “He/she is a narcissist and won’t compromise.”
While it’s natural to feel this way in high-conflict situations, it’s important to challenge these assumptions. In fact, many parents who initially believed the other party would never agree to compromise or reduce conflict have been surprised when the other parent eventually agreed to engage in discussions for the children’s benefit.
It’s also important to acknowledge that some parents may act out of frustration or pain rather than intent to harm. They may not realize how their actions contribute to the conflict. By focusing on solutions rather than blame, you might encourage a shift in their behavior too.
No Harm in Trying
It’s worth exploring alternative solutions like conflict coaching, family therapy, or therapeutic mediation. These approaches target the root causes of conflict rather than assigning blame. They offer a neutral, supportive space for parents to work on improving communication and finding common ground.
Even if you believe the other parent will resist, there’s no harm in trying. Often, taking the first step is enough to open the door to meaningful change.
Why Focus on Reducing Conflict?
- The Real Problem Is the Conflict: It’s easy to label the other parent as the issue, but unresolved disputes and ineffective communication are often at the root of ongoing tension.
- Therapeutic Solutions Work: Family therapy and therapeutic mediation help address emotional dynamics, guiding parents toward cooperation.
- Positive Outcomes for Children: Reduced conflict creates a more stable, nurturing environment, protecting your child’s emotional well-being.
Breaking Free From the Cycle
While co-parenting with a challenging ex is difficult, staying stuck in adversarial litigation or high conflict is not the answer. To break free from the cycle:
- De-escalate tensions by refusing to engage in reactive behaviors and focusing on calm, clear communication.
- Refocus on your child’s best interests and prioritize their emotional well-being over past conflicts or grudges.
- Explore solutions beyond the courtroom, such as conflict coaching, family therapy, or therapeutic mediation, which help address underlying issues and promote healthier communication.
By choosing a proactive approach and focusing on resolution, you can create a more peaceful, cooperative co-parenting environment for the benefit of your child.
One Person Can Make a Difference
Reducing conflict doesn’t require both parents to be equally motivated. Even if the other parent isn’t on board initially, your efforts to de-escalate tensions and model healthier behavior can make a difference.
When one parent takes proactive steps toward resolution, it can shift the dynamic over time. By prioritizing your child’s well-being and choosing a healthier path, you set a positive example and create a foundation for a more peaceful co-parenting relationship.
Taking that first step might feel daunting, but it could be the key to ending the cycle of litigation stress and building a brighter future for you and your child.
Referral to Family Therapy and Therapeutic Mediation
At FDSS, we frequently refer families to family therapy or therapeutic mediation, where a trained psychologist or Counselor works with both parents and their children separately to reduce the underlying conflict. These interventions aim to address emotional dynamics, encourage better communication, and help the family focus on the child’s best interests. The goal is not to assign blame but to provide the tools to reduce conflict, create understanding, and model healthier behavior.
Even if you are involved in high-conflict litigation in the Family Court, family therapy or therapeutic mediation can still be effective. These processes provide a neutral space where both parents can engage in meaningful discussions outside the courtroom. Taking the first step toward reducing conflict can open the door to long-term positive change, benefiting both parents and children.
Do not lose the hope. No harm comes from trying these alternatives—taking the first step could open the door to change and create a healthier environment for your child to thrive.
Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.
