When parents separate, children often find themselves caught in the middle of conflict. Even if they seem resilient, ongoing tension between parents can have a lasting impact on their well-being. This guide offers practical steps to help protect children from conflict and support them through the transition.

Why Children Need to Be Kept Away from Conflict

Conflict between parents, whether seen or heard, can be deeply damaging to children. Here’s why:

• Witnessing conflict can cause emotional harm, even if children appear tough on the outside.
• Seeing a parent upset can create deep worry and stress.
• Children may feel responsible for their parents’ arguments.
• They might feel pressure to choose sides.
• Exposure to hostility or cold interactions can lead to low self-esteem.
• Growing up around conflict can normalize unhealthy relationship patterns.

Managing Conflict: Focus on What You Can Control

While you may not be able to control the other parent’s behavior, you can take steps to minimize conflict:

• Set clear rules for discussing parenting and relationship issues:
  • Never argue in front of your children.
  • Avoid conflict at changeovers.
  • Don’t have heated discussions over the phone where children can hear.
• If interactions with the other parent tend to lead to conflict, eliminate direct contact in front of the children.
• Consider using a neutral third party or a school as a drop-off and pick-up location.

Avoid Involving Children in Conflict

Children should never be used as messengers, spies, or intermediaries between parents. Doing so can seriously damage their emotional well-being and relationships.

• Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of them.
• Don’t ask them to relay messages or updates about the other parent’s life.
• Let children remain children—don’t place them in the role of peacemakers.

Addressing Family Violence and Safety Concerns

Family violence and substance abuse have a significant impact on children. If you or your children are experiencing violence or dealing with a parent who has serious addiction issues, seek professional support.

• A lawyer or support service can help determine the best course of action.
• In some cases, Family Court protection may be necessary.
• If immediate danger is present, call the police (dial 111 in New Zealand) for assistance.

Strengthening Your Bond with Your Children

A strong, positive relationship with a parent can help children cope with separation. Here’s how you can build that connection:

• Spend quality time together doing activities they enjoy.
• Encourage laughter and fun moments.
• Prioritize their needs and be present for them.
• Listen to them and engage in their world.

Communicating Effectively with Your Children

Clear and thoughtful communication is essential for helping children navigate separation:

• Answer their questions honestly but without involving them in conflict.
• Help them express their feelings without pressure.
• Show that you respect their thoughts and emotions.
• Be mindful of your words, especially when discussing difficult topics.
• Consider their perspective—how does the situation feel from their point of view?
• Keep conversations open and natural, talking about both serious and lighthearted topics.

Encouraging a Healthy Relationship with the Other Parent

Children benefit from having a relationship with both parents. Even if it’s difficult for you, it’s important to support this connection:

• Accept that your children love their other parent and may want to spend time with them.
• They may hesitate to express this for fear of upsetting you.
• Encourage relationships with extended family on both sides for a sense of belonging.
• Help them through any short-term difficulties that may arise from contact arrangements.

What If the Other Parent Doesn’t Stay in Touch?

While you can’t force the other parent to be involved, you can help your children cope:

• Encourage the other parent to attend a Parenting Through Separation programme.
• Acknowledge and support your child’s feelings about the absence.

Creating Stability and Security for Your Children

Separation often brings significant changes. Children need stability to feel secure:

• Keep routines as consistent as possible.
• Gradually introduce changes rather than overwhelming them all at once.
• Communicate plans clearly and reassure them that they will be cared for.
• Be mindful of their emotions when introducing new partners or step-siblings.

Seeking Support When Needed

If you’re struggling or have concerns about your children’s well-being, reach out to others:

• Health professionals, counselors, or school counselors can offer guidance.
• If your separation involves high conflict, violence, or addiction, external support is crucial.
• Lean on trusted adults for help, rather than placing emotional burdens on your children.

Final Thoughts Separation is a challenging time for both parents and children, but with the right approach, you can help your children feel safe, secure, and loved. By keeping them away from conflict, fostering open communication, and prioritizing their well-being, you set the foundation for their resilience and happiness in the years to come.

Zayne Jouma

Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.