Parenting is never a one-size-fits-all approach. Even when parents live under the same roof, differences in parenting styles are common. However, when together, parents often compromise to present a united front for the benefit of their children. But what happens when separation occurs? This is where conflict frequently begins.
Separated parents are no longer compelled to navigate these differences within the same household. Instead, they often feel free to implement their own parenting style independently. While this might seem liberating, it can lead to significant friction between parents—and, more importantly, it can have profound effects on the children caught in the crossfire.
The Root of Parenting Style Conflicts
Parenting styles are shaped by a combination of upbringing, personal values, and life experiences. Most parents fall into one of the following categories:
- Authoritative: Focused on clear boundaries with warmth and understanding.
- Authoritarian: Strict, rule-focused, and less flexible.
- Permissive: Lenient and nurturing, with minimal discipline.
- Uninvolved: Detached and hands-off, with little involvement in the child’s life.
When parents are separated, these differences can become starkly apparent. One parent may enforce strict rules and schedules, while the other takes a more relaxed approach. These disparities can be a breeding ground for conflict, as each parent feels their way is “right.”
How the Court Views Parenting Style Conflicts
Family courts aim to focus on what is in the child’s best interests but rarely delve into parenting style conflicts. Unless a particular style leads to harm or neglect (from their perspective). In the absence of safety allegations the court generally assumes that both parents are capable of making decisions about how they raise their child during their time with them.
This approach often frustrates parents who feel the other’s parenting style undermines their own or negatively affects the child. The court’s stance forces parents to navigate these differences on their own, which can be challenging, especially in high-conflict situations.
The Impact on Children
The real victims of parenting style conflicts are often the children. When parents disagree about how to raise their children and fail to find common ground, the effects can ripple through every aspect of a child’s life.
1. Emotional Distress: Children rely on consistency to feel secure. If one parent is permissive while the other is strict, the child may feel confused, anxious, or guilty for not knowing how to behave in each environment.
2. Behavioral Issues: Inconsistent rules can lead to behavioral problems. A child may act out in the stricter household while pushing boundaries in the more lenient one, creating frustration for both parents.
3. Loyalty Conflicts: Children may feel torn between parents, especially if one criticizes the other’s approach. This can lead to feelings of guilt or resentment, which strain their relationship with both parents.
4. Manipulative Behavior: When children notice the lack of consistency, they may exploit it to their advantage, playing one parent against the other to get what they want.
5. Long-Term Impact: Over time, these conflicts can harm a child’s self-esteem, trust in authority, and ability to form healthy relationships.
How to Resolve Parenting Style Conflicts
To minimize the impact of parenting conflicts on children, parents must prioritize communication and cooperation. Here are some strategies:
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- Present a Unified Front
Even if you disagree, try to maintain some consistency between homes. Discuss and agree on key rules and expectations privately, away from the children. - Respect Each Other’s Parenting Style
It’s important to recognize that there is no one perfect way to parent. While your approach may differ from your ex-partner’s, respect their decisions unless it directly harms the child. - Avoid Criticizing Each Other
Negative comments about the other parent in front of the child create loyalty conflicts and unnecessary stress. - Communicate Openly
Use tools like co-parenting apps or mediation to ensure both parents are on the same page about major decisions. - Focus on the Child’s Needs
Remember that the ultimate goal is your child’s happiness and development. Put personal grievances aside and work towards what is best for them. - Seek Professional Help
If the conflict is unmanageable, consider involving a family therapist to mediate and help create a parenting plan that works for everyone.
- Present a Unified Front
A Child-Centered Approach
One of the hardest truths to accept after separation is that you have little to no control over how the other parent chooses to raise your child during their time together. This lack of control can feel frustrating and, at times, deeply unsettling—especially if you believe their parenting style contradicts your own values or is detrimental to your child’s well-being.
However, trying to control or change the other parent’s approach is often a losing battle that can escalate conflict and create more stress for everyone involved. Instead, it’s essential to focus on what you can control and how to respond constructively. Parenting style conflicts are inevitable when two people with different values and approaches raise children, especially after separation. While courts often take a hands-off approach to these disagreements, parents must step up to resolve them in a way that minimizes the impact on their children.
At the heart of every conflict should be a shared commitment to the child’s well-being. By prioritizing communication, cooperation, and compromise, separated parents can create a stable environment where their children can thrive. Remember, children deserve to grow up free from the stress of parental conflict—and it’s up to both parents to make that a reality.
Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.
