Navigating the Family Court is tough VERY long journey for many parents, it can last up to 16 years in some cases. The process, with all its high emotions, scrutiny, and constant back-and-forth, can pull parents into an adversarial cycle that ends up shifting their focus away from the most important aspect of it all—their children’s well-being. The sad reality is that many parents don’t realise this shift has happened until years later, sometimes only after the case has ended and the kids are well into their teens. By then, much of the damage is already done.

How the Court Process Can Shift the Focus from Kids to Winning

Family court is structured as an adversarial process where each parent is encouraged to present evidence and arguments, often casting the other parent in a negative light to build their case. This can make it feel less like a search for solutions and more like a battle to be won. The unfortunate side effect of this setup? Parents often become so focused on “winning” that they stop seeing the bigger picture, even if their original intent was simply to secure the best outcome for their children.

Walking on eggshells is a common feeling when you’re caught up in the family court process. Every conversation with your ex feels like a potential trap, where one wrong word might be used against you in court. Both of you might be feeling it—so careful in each interaction, so guarded about each detail, that it’s like you’re navigating a minefield. And when you’re living this way, it’s exhausting, and it’s easy to forget the whole reason you’re doing this: the kids.

It is very common to find yourself walking on eggshells every time you interact with my ex-partner. You will feel hyper-aware of everything you are saying or doing, fearing that even the most innocent actions could be twisted or taken out of context. Both parents become so cautious, it becomes almost impossible to have a genuine conversation about the kids’ needs.

The worst part of this “eggshell” dynamic is that it pulls your focus even further from your children. Instead of thinking about what’s best for them, you’re constantly thinking about what could go wrong or how to avoid another conflict. You might not even realize how much energy you’re spending on staying defensive, and in the meantime, the children are missing out on what they really need: parents who are openly communicating and working together.

The Role of Allegations: Fanning the Flames

Then, of course, come the allegations, which only serve to raise the stakes and heighten emotions. Allegations—whether they’re valid or not—push parents even further into defensive modes. Instead of finding ways to collaborate, parents become even more focused on disproving accusations and protecting themselves. This “evidence-gathering” mindset can quickly consume a parent’s time and energy, pushing them to document, counter, and defend rather than to empathise, nurture, and compromise.

In reality the evidence gathering dynamics, it just added fuel to the fire and pulled our focus further away from what was important.

The Toll on Kids: What You Don’t See in the Moment

When parents get caught in an adversarial mindset, children are often the silent victims. Instead of feeling supported by both parents, they may feel torn between them, uncertain about who they’re supposed to “side with.” In some cases, kids end up feeling like they’re being pulled into the fight, either directly or indirectly. And when children sense that their parents are focused on “winning,” they may internalise feelings of guilt, confusion, and stress.

It’s often only years later that the full impact of this conflict becomes clear. Many parents look back and wish they’d focused more on their children’s needs than on gathering “evidence.” And by the time the court case is over and the kids are in their late teens or even adulthood, it can be painful to realize how much time and energy went into a fight that may have left scars rather than resolutions.

Recognising the Pattern: “We’ve Been There and Done That”

I can tell you, from having gone through a very rough battle in the Family Court, how easy it is to fall into this pattern without even noticing. In the heat of it all, it felt normal to prepare for every hearing as if it were a final showdown, to bring in every possible document, and to treat every co-parenting interaction as another “evidence-gathering” moment. But looking back, I can see that our efforts did more to stoke the fires of conflict than to actually help our children.

We’ve been there. We’ve done that. And now, We want to help other families avoid the same traps that caught us. This isn’t about judgment—it’s about sharing lessons learned the hard way abd based on the hundreds of the cases we have been dealing with, so that others can have a better path forward.

How to Stay Focused on Your Children’s Best Interests

1. Pause and Reflect on What’s Really Important: Before reacting or collecting “evidence,” take a step back and ask yourself: “Is this in my child’s best interest, or am I getting pulled into the fight?”
2. Set Parenting Goals Instead of “Wins”: Reframe your goals. Instead of aiming to prove yourself in court, focus on creating an environment where your child feels safe, supported, and free from conflict.
3. Choose Mediation Over Conflict, When Possible: Mediators help keep the process focused on your child’s best interests rather than turning it into a battle. If both parents can agree to mediate, it can often lead to healthier, more collaborative outcomes.
4. Seek Out Emotional Support: Family court is stressful. It can help to talk to a therapist or counselor who can offer guidance, especially when it comes to managing stress and avoiding the adversarial pitfalls.
5. Think Long-Term: Every decision should be made with your child’s long-term well-being in mind. Remember, your relationship with them will continue long after the court case ends, and their memories of this time will stay with them.

Moving Forward: Keeping the Focus on Responsibility, Not Rights

When you’re in the middle of a family court case, it’s incredibly hard to step back and see how easily this trap develops. The process encourages a focus on “my rights” as a parent, but at its core, parenting is about responsibility, not entitlement. Keeping this perspective can be a powerful way to avoid falling entirely into the adversarial cycle.

By viewing our role as parents as a responsibility rather than a right, we’re more likely to prioritise our children’s needs and well-being, even in moments of conflict. Staying grounded in this responsibility—to provide, protect, and nurture—can make a huge difference in how we approach disagreements and decisions.

A Final Thought: A Perspective that Lasts

In hindsight, I see how getting caught up in the court battle made it harder to focus on the real priority: my children’s well-being. It’s something many parents don’t realize until it’s too late, and I hope sharing my experience can help others avoid making the same mistake.

If there’s one thing I’d encourage, it’s this: as you navigate this challenging process, take a moment to remind yourself why you’re doing it. Let your child’s happiness and stability be your guiding light. And when you’re in the middle of the family court battle, try to focus on your role as a responsibility rather than a right. It’s not about winning or proving your worth to the court; it’s about showing up for your child in a way that helps them feel secure and loved. Remember, your role as a parent is a privilege with a purpose: to nurture, support, and guide your child through life, even in the hardest moments.

Zayne Jouma

Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.