Going through the adversarial family court process can bring out a whirlwind of emotions that many struggle to navigate. Identifying these emotions, acknowledging them, and seeking support is not a sign of weakness—it is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. There is no shame in feeling this way. More importantly, you are not alone.
Understanding and Identifying Your Emotions
Many people caught in the family court system experience a range of intense emotions. It is easy to become trapped in these feelings without realising their impact. Below are some of the most common emotions that may arise:
- Self-Sabotaging Behaviours – You may start making decisions that work against your best interests, feeling undeserving of a positive outcome. This can manifest as withdrawing from support systems, avoiding legal responsibilities, or making impulsive choices out of frustration.
- Anger – The legal battle, misunderstandings, and perceived injustices can lead to intense anger. While anger is a natural response, unchecked anger can affect your well-being and your children’s emotional security.
- Depression – Ongoing stress can lead to a sense of hopelessness, making it difficult to engage in daily life. You may feel exhausted, unmotivated, or disconnected from your children and loved ones.
- Anxiety – Constant worry about the future, the court’s decisions, or how your children are coping can create a state of heightened anxiety. This can lead to difficulty sleeping, panic attacks, and an inability to focus.
- Learned Helplessness – Repeated setbacks can create a feeling that nothing you do will change the outcome. You may feel stuck, believing that your efforts are futile, which can lead to disengagement from the legal process or responsibilities.
- Guilt – You may feel like you are not doing enough for your children or that the legal process is negatively affecting them. This guilt can weigh heavily, making it difficult to move forward.
- Shame – The stigma of going through a family court battle can make you feel embarrassed or as if you have failed in some way. This can lead to isolation and reluctance to seek help.
- Frustration – The slow legal process, miscommunications, or feeling unheard can create an overwhelming sense of frustration, making it difficult to stay patient and focused.
- Fear – Fear of losing access to your children or to protect them, fear of financial instability, or fear of the unknown can make you feel paralysed, preventing you from making clear decisions.
- Loneliness – Going through a legal battle can be an isolating experience, especially if you feel like no one truly understands what you are going through.
- Resentment – You may harbour resentment towards your ex-partner, the legal system, or even yourself. Holding onto this emotion can make it harder to move forward and focus on what truly matters.
- Overwhelm – The sheer volume of paperwork, court dates, and emotional stress can leave you feeling completely drained and unable to focus on day-to-day responsibilities.
Breaking the Cycle: Seeking Support
The majority of people going through family court proceedings feel not okay. This is completely normal. The stress, uncertainty, and emotional toll can feel overwhelming. However, one of the most effective ways to regain control is to talk to someone who is not emotionally attached to your case.
- Professional Support – Therapists, counsellors, and support groups can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop coping strategies.
- Legal Advisors and Advocates – They can help you focus on the facts of your case rather than being overwhelmed by emotions.
- Trusted Friends or Mentors – Speaking to someone outside of your immediate situation can provide clarity and reassurance.
Ask for Help: How Am I Really Doing?
It is important to not only acknowledge your emotions but also to check in with yourself. Ask someone you trust: How do you think I’m doing? Sometimes, we don’t see the full picture because we are caught up in the moment. A fresh perspective can provide insight and encouragement. Being honest with yourself and others about your struggles opens the door to getting the help you need.
There is no shame in asking for support. You don’t have to carry the burden alone. Those who care about you want to help—you just need to reach out.
No Shame, Only Strength
You do not have to go through this alone. Seeking help is not a sign of failure; it is a sign of strength. Your well-being directly impacts your children, and by taking care of yourself, you are also taking care of them.
You are not stuck. You are not broken. You are doing your best. And that is enough.
If you recognise any of these emotions in yourself, take a deep breath. Acknowledge them. Seek help. There is hope beyond this moment, and you and your children deserve a future filled with peace and happiness.
Get Support Through Family Separation Coaching
If you are struggling with these emotions and need a safe space to discuss them, Family Dispute Support Services (FDSS) offers Family Separation Coaching to help you navigate this challenging time. Seeking guidance can make a significant difference in your well-being and help you regain a sense of control. Learn more and access support here: FDSS Family Separation Coaching
Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.
