Family separation is a stormy journey, can be filled with grief, uncertainty, and overwhelming stress. For Jessie (not her real name), the storm of high-conflict litigation in the Family Court consumed her for nearly 7 years, leaving ripples across her relationships and emotional well-being.
Jessie, a dedicated and loving mother, recently shared her story with us, recounting the challenges she faced during her past 7 years legal battle for access to her children. Her experiences offer valuable insights into the importance of managing emotions during separation and the potential long-term impacts on family relationships.
Based on the lived experiences of many separated parents whose children are now adults, one thing becomes painfully clear: failing to manage your emotions during this period can have long-term consequences—not just for you, but for your relationships and your well-being.
Similar to Jessie’s experience and many other parents that we have dealt with, It is very common to go through the process thinking you’re okay, only to later realise that you’re actually may be struggling.
Caught in the Chaos
The unrelenting cycle of court dates, legal fees, correspondence from lawyers, and the desperate need to be heard took over Jessie’s life. The stress seeped into every corner—her work, relationships with extended family, and, most painfully, her bond with her children.
“When things didn’t go as planned, my frustration would boil over. I loved my kids with all my heart, but the stress consumed me,” Jessie shared tearfully. “I couldn’t manage my emotions.”
Looking back, she remembers snapping at her children over minor mistakes and being overwhelmed by guilt. “It wasn’t because I wasn’t a good mum. I just didn’t know how to cope with everything going on around me.”
The Hidden Consequences
At the time, Jessie couldn’t see the full impact of her emotional struggles. Years later, when her children became teenagers, they expressed feelings of fear and disconnection during those turbulent years.
“I didn’t realize it then, but I see it now,” Jessie reflected. “My children were affected by my inability to manage my emotions. The damage wasn’t from a lack of love—it was from the stress I couldn’t handle spilling over into their lives.”
Why Managing Emotions Matters
Jessie’s story highlights a reality many separated parents face: emotions like anger, frustration, and sadness, if left unchecked, can have long-term consequences. They not only harm your relationships but can also take a toll on your health and well-being.
Unmanaged emotions can lead to:
- Alienating loved ones: Outbursts or negativity may push away those who want to support you.
- Straining relationships with children: Even unintentionally, children feel the effects of their parents’ stress, leading to confusion and insecurity.
- Harming your health: Chronic stress can result in anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and other health issues.
You Might Not Realise You’re Struggling
Family separation can feel like navigating a stormy sea—battling relentless waves and fierce winds. In the chaos, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that your ship may be taking on water. You’re so focused on surviving the storm that you don’t notice the cracks forming beneath your feet.
Those on the shore—someone not emotionally attached to your case—may see what you cannot. They can identify signs of distress and encourage you to pause and repair the damage before it becomes irreparable.
Breaking Free from Learned Helplessness
Many parents feel stuck in a cycle of despair during separation, a phenomenon known as learned helplessness. The court process can feel endless, and setbacks may make you feel like giving up.
This mindset can lead to self-sabotage—missing deadlines, avoiding hard decisions, or isolating yourself from help. Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward change.
It’s Okay to Not Be Okay
Family separation is one of life’s most challenging experiences, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. Acknowledging that you’re struggling isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward healing.
Consider reaching out to:
- A trusted friend or family member for support.
- Peer support groups of parents who’ve been through similar challenges.
- Mediators or conflict coaches who can guide you through emotions and practical challenges.
- Mental health professionals for expert strategies and tools.
Your Children Will Thank You
How you manage your emotions during this time shapes your children’s future. Many adult children of separated parents reflect on how their parents’ behavior impacted them. Parents who took steps to manage their emotions often enjoy closer, healthier relationships with their children as they grow.
As Jessie puts it, “It’s never too late to make changes. My kids now see how much I’ve worked on myself, and our relationship is stronger because of it.”
Take the First Step
At FDSS, we understand the emotional storms of family separation and dealing with the Family Court, because we’ve walked this path with countless parents just like you. Our mission is to empower and support you as you navigate this challenging journey, offering practical guidance and a compassionate ear every step of the way.
You don’t have to face this alone. Whether you need coaching, mediation, or just someone to listen, We are here for you.
It is like a storm, but it will pass. How you navigate it will shape not only your journey but also the lives of those you love most. Acknowledging your emotions, seeking support, and taking action today can make all the difference tomorrow.
Remember, it’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay to ask for help. You can join our Mums and Dads VPS groups on this link or Request a call back to talk about it.
Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.
