Learned helplessness and self-sabotage are struggles that many people face, particularly during the challenging times of family separation and divorce.
Self-Sabotage: Self-sabotage involves behaviors or thought patterns that undermine one’s own success and well-being. It occurs when individuals consciously or unconsciously hinder their own progress and goals, often due to fear of failure, fear of success, low self-esteem, or a need for control.
Based on our own firsthand experiences and our work with hundreds of parents, we’ve seen how common these issues are in this context. There is no shame in acknowledging these feelings. In fact, doing so is the first step towards overcoming them and moving forward to a more fulfilling life.
Understanding Learned Helplessness and Self-Sabotage
Learned helplessness often stems from a belief that we lack the power to change our circumstances. This mindset can be paralysing, leading to inaction and a sense of defeat. On the other hand, self-sabotage is when we consciously or unconsciously create obstacles that prevent us from achieving our goals. During a separation or divorce, this can manifest as procrastination, negative self-talk, or engaging in behaviours that undermine our progress in the healing process.
Our Lived Experience
Having faced these challenges ourselves, we understand the frustration and despair that can accompany them, especially during the associated issues of a family breakup. There were times when we felt stuck, unable to break free from the patterns that held us back. But through perseverance and seeking support, we learned to identify and address these behaviours. Our journey was not easy, but it was transformative. You can still forever hold this grief but it’s not helpful. We completley understand that it is not easy to move on, but sure there is always a hope !! Never give up.
The Commonality of These Issues
In our work with hundreds of parents navigating separation and divorce, we’ve found that learned helplessness and self-sabotage are incredibly common. Many parents feel overwhelmed by the demands of single parenting and the emotional toll of the breakup, leading them to doubt their abilities and potential. It’s important to recognise that these feelings are normal and that you are not alone.
The Importance of Acknowledgement and Support
Yes, there is lack of support for separated parents, and the Family Court system isn’t often really a family-freindly place for many families.
However, there is no shame in acknowledging these feelings. In fact, it is a crucial step towards healing. Reaching out for help and seeking counselling can provide the support needed to overcome these challenges. Therapy can help you uncover the root causes of your learned helplessness and self-sabotage, providing you with tools to build a healthier mindset.
Practical Steps for Separated Parents to Overcome Learned Helplessness and Self-Sabotage
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- Embrace the Opportunity for Growth
Family separation can be an opportunity to redefine yourself and your goals. Use this time to reflect on your strengths and what you want to achieve moving forward. Setting new personal and professional goals can give you a sense of direction and purpose. - Surround Yourself with Positive Energy
The people you surround yourself with can have a significant impact on your emotional well-being. Seek out friends, family members, and professionals who exude positive energy and provide encouragement. Positive influences can uplift you, provide new perspectives, and help you stay motivated during challenging times. - Prioritise Self-Care
Taking care of yourself is crucial during this time. Ensure you are eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Self-care helps you maintain your physical and mental health, which is essential for overcoming feelings of helplessness. - Seek Professional Help
Therapists and counsellors can provide valuable support as you navigate your emotions and develop healthier coping strategies. They can help you address the root causes of learned helplessness and self-sabotage, providing tools and techniques to manage these feelings effectively. - Establish Routine and Structure
Creating a new routine can provide stability and a sense of control. This is particularly important for parents, as it also benefits your children. A structured routine can help reduce anxiety and create a more predictable environment. - Focus on Co-Parenting Effectively
Effective co-parenting can reduce conflict and stress, providing a more stable environment for your children. Communication, cooperation, and respect between co-parents are key. Consider co-parenting counselling if you need support in this area. - Set Realistic Expectations
Recognise that healing and moving forward is a process that takes time. Set realistic expectations for yourself and allow yourself to progress at your own pace. Celebrate small victories and milestones along the way. - Avoid Negative Self-Talk
Challenge and replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations. Remind yourself of your strengths and achievements. This can help shift your mindset from one of helplessness to one of empowerment. - Remember That Time Heals
Healing from a separation or divorce is a gradual process. It’s important to give yourself time to grieve and process your emotions. With time, the pain will lessen, and you will find yourself growing stronger and more resilient. Patience and self-compassion are crucial during this period.
Moving Forward: Using Family Separation as a Catalyst for Improvement
- Embrace the Opportunity for Growth
While family separation is undeniably challenging, it can also be a powerful catalyst for personal growth and improvement. Embrace this period as an opportunity to rebuild your life on your terms. Focus on creating a healthy, fulfilling future for yourself and your children.
Conclusion
We are aware that it’s not easy to overcome learned helplessness and self-sabotage during family separation and divorce, but it can be done. We have been there; we have done this. Overcoming these challenges is a journey, one that requires acknowledgement, support, and perseverance. By recognising these behaviours and seeking help, you can unlock your potential and lead a more fulfilling life. Remember, you are not alone, and the best success is to keep moving forward. Embrace your journey, and know that every step you take is a step towards a brighter future. Time heals, and with each passing day, you are moving closer to a better, more empowered version of yourself.

Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.