For separated parents, communication can often become challenging when discussing matters related to their children. Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, offers a constructive framework for these interactions, turning potentially tense discussions into more empathetic, child-centered conversations. With a focus on empathy, NVC can help parents foster healthier co-parenting relationships by prioritizing connection and understanding over conflict.
What is Nonviolent Communication?
NVC centers on four core steps:
- Observation: Objectively describe a situation without judgment.
Example: Instead of saying, “You’re always late,” try, “I noticed you arrived later than we planned last week.”This approach focuses on facts, keeping both parties open to conversation. - Feelings: Express emotions directly, without blaming.
Example: “I feel frustrated when our plans don’t go as expected.”This method reduces defensiveness, encouraging calm and receptive engagement. - Needs: Clearly express your needs and values.
Example: “I need consistency in our schedule to maintain our child’s routine.”Identifying needs highlights the root issues, making resolution more effective. - Requests: Make specific, actionable requests.
Example: “Would you be open to setting a reminder so we can stay on schedule?”Requests encourage teamwork, focusing on solutions over frustration.
Why NVC Works in Co-Parenting
By nurturing empathy and respect, NVC can reduce emotional tension and shift the focus back to the child’s well-being. It encourages both parents to listen actively and respond constructively.
Examples of NVC in Co-Parenting Scenarios
Handling Schedule Conflicts
NVC Approach: “I feel stressed when drop-off times change at the last minute. I need predictability for our child’s evening routine. Could we make it a habit to confirm times a day in advance?”
Managing Decision-Making Differences
NVC Approach: “I feel left out when decisions about school are made without my input. I want to support our child’s education fully. Can we agree to consult each other before making major decisions?”
Additional Examples
- Missed Communications:
NVC Response: “When I didn’t hear about the parent-teacher meeting, I felt left out. I need to stay informed to support our child’s education fully. Could we agree to notify each other about school events in advance?” - Discipline Differences:
NVC Response: “I noticed our child has trouble adjusting to different rules at each of our homes. I feel concerned because I want consistency to make things easier for them. Would you be open to discussing shared guidelines?” - Holiday Planning:
NVC Response: “I feel a bit disappointed not being able to spend time with our child on their birthday. It’s important to me to create these memories together. Would it be possible for us to arrange for both of us to have some time with them that day?” - After-School Activities:
NVC Response: “I noticed our child was enrolled in extra activities this term. I feel overwhelmed because managing transportation and costs can be challenging. Could we discuss future activities together to make sure it works for both of us?” - Bedtime Routine:
NVC Response: “I’ve noticed our child has trouble sleeping after transitioning between our homes. I feel concerned because consistent sleep is important for their health. Would you be open to establishing a similar bedtime routine?” - Medical Appointments:
NVC Response: “I felt caught off guard when I found out about our child’s appointment after it had happened. I need to stay informed about their health. Could we agree to inform each other ahead of time about medical appointments?”
These examples highlight how NVC can maintain a constructive and cooperative dialogue, keeping both parents focused on mutual respect and the best interests of their child. With practice, Nonviolent Communication can foster a supportive, child-focused co-parenting relationship, benefiting both parents and children in the long term.
Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.
