One of the hardest realities for parents in a high-conflict separation is recognizing that children don’t always tell the full truth—not because they want to lie, but because they want to survive. Children in the middle of parental conflict often learn to adapt by saying what they think each parent wants to hear. It’s a coping mechanism, a way to maintain peace in a situation where they feel powerless. They can easily sense the conflict without being exposed to it.
Why Do Children Do This?
- Avoiding Conflict – If a child knows that one parent dislikes the other, they may say things to align with that parent’s views to avoid tension or further conflict.
- Seeking Approval – Children crave love and security. In a divided household, they may feel they need to side with one parent to maintain that bond.
- Fear of Consequences – If they believe one parent will be upset or angry at their real feelings, they might adjust their words to prevent negative reactions.
- Mirroring the Parent’s Emotions – Children are highly perceptive. If they sense that one parent is sad, angry, or frustrated, they might say things to comfort or validate that parent’s feelings.
Scenarios: When Children Adapt to the Conflict
Scenario 1: The Birthday Party Dilemma
Eight-year-old Jack spends time with both his parents. His dad asks if he had fun at his mum’s house over the weekend, and Jack hesitates before saying, “It was okay, but I missed you.” Later, at his mum’s house, she asks if he’s excited about the birthday party his dad planned. Jack, sensing her discomfort, shrugs and says, “I don’t really want to go.”
In reality, Jack is excited about the party, but he doesn’t want to upset his mum by showing enthusiasm for time with his dad. So, he tells each parent what he thinks will keep them happy.
How to handle it:
Instead of assuming Jack doesn’t want to go to the party, Mum could check in with Dad:
👉 “Jack seemed unsure about the party when I asked. Have you noticed him feeling torn?”
Similarly, Dad could reassure Jack that it’s okay to enjoy time with both parents:
👉 “It’s great that you had fun with Mum! You don’t have to miss me, I’ll see you soon.”
Scenario 2: The Sleepover Conflict
Twelve-year-old Sarah is supposed to have a sleepover at her mum’s house this weekend, but she overhears her dad talking about how much he misses her when she’s away. When her mum asks if she’s looking forward to the sleepover, Sarah sighs and says, “Not really, I’d rather stay with Dad.” Her mum feels hurt and cancels the sleepover, but Sarah later feels torn—she wanted to go, but she didn’t want to make her dad feel bad.
How to handle it:
Instead of reacting emotionally, Mum could reach out to Dad:
👉 “Sarah told me she wasn’t excited about the sleepover, but I wonder if she’s just feeling guilty about being away. Have you noticed anything?”
Dad, in turn, could reassure Sarah:
👉 “I’ll always miss you, but it’s important for you to spend time with Mum too. Have fun, and we’ll catch up later!”
Scenario 3: The School Event Confession
Ten-year-old Liam tells his dad that his mum never comes to his school events, making his dad upset. But when his mum asks if he told his dad, Liam shakes his head and says, “No, I didn’t say anything.” The truth? Liam’s mum has been to some events, but he exaggerated to make his dad feel like the ‘better’ parent in the moment.
How to handle it:
Instead of jumping to conclusions, Dad could ask Mum:
👉 “Liam mentioned you haven’t been at his school events—what’s been going on?”
Mum might clarify:
👉 “I was at the last one, but maybe he felt I wasn’t paying enough attention. I’ll check in with him.”
Together, they can reassure Liam that both parents care and are involved.
How This Affects Parents
It’s natural for a parent to want to believe that their child is confiding in them openly. But in high-conflict separations, it’s important to be mindful of the possibility that what a child says may not be the full picture. When a child tells you something concerning about the other parent, take a step back before reacting. Ask yourself:
- Is this consistent with past behavior?
- Could my child be trying to please me or tell me what I want to hear?
- Am I creating an environment where my child feels safe expressing their true feelings?
Creating a Safe Space for Honest Communication
- Reassure Them – Let your child know they can share their feelings without fear of upsetting you.
- Stay Neutral – Avoid reacting negatively when they mention the other parent. Instead, ask open-ended questions to understand more.
- Encourage Emotional Expression – Help your child name and process their emotions rather than feeling the need to pick sides.
- Talk to the Other Parent – When in doubt, check in with the other parent instead of assuming the worst.
- Watch for Patterns – If your child frequently shifts their story depending on which parent they are with, it may be a sign they are trying to manage the conflict rather than express their true feelings.
The Bigger Picture
Children in high-conflict separations often feel caught in the middle. The more parents can reduce conflict, maintain a neutral and supportive approach, and create space for honesty, the less pressure children will feel to say what they think is expected of them. Encouraging your child’s authentic voice is one of the greatest gifts you can give them in a difficult situation.
If you’re struggling with co-parenting challenges and need support, FDSS is here to help. Our focus is on empowering parents to navigate separation with less conflict and more clarity, always keeping the child’s well-being at the heart of the process.
Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay-assistant/ McKenzie Friend & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.
