We know Ethan’s story through his dad, who has chosen to share it anonymously.

Ethan is just 16 years old (this is not real name) – his parents separated when he was 4 years old, he was stuck in the middle of a high conflicted Family Court custody battle for 5 years . He lived in a 50/50 shared care arrangement for 6 years— one week with Mum, one week with Dad. On paper, it looked balanced and fair.

But in reality, Ethan was living in the middle of a war – exposed to a very high parental conflict, despite the court parenting orders, which states that “Ethan not to be exposed to adult conflict”.

In his own words to his Counselor:

“I feel lost and confused. Mum talks bad about Dad, and Dad talks bad about Mum. I don’t know who to trust.”

Ethan’s Break for Freedom

By the time he turned 16, Ethan decided he had had enough. He didn’t just leave one parent’s home — he left both. To him, it wasn’t about choosing Mum over Dad, or Dad over Mum. It was about choosing himself.

After years of being trapped in a cycle of conflict that wasn’t his own, Ethan felt suffocated. His emotions had been suppressed since he was four, pushed down every time he heard an insult about one parent from the other, every time he had to carry messages back and forth, every time he was expected to cope like an adult in a battle that wasn’t his to fight.

In his words, he wanted to “break free.”  “felt being trapped”.

So he did. He walked away from both homes, not to punish his parents, but to finally protect himself. For the first time, he wasn’t the messenger, the middleman, or the shield between Mum and Dad’s war. He was just Ethan — a teenager who wanted peace.

Growing Up Between Two Homes

Every week, Ethan packed his schoolbag, his clothes, and a piece of his heart to move between Mum’s house and Dad’s house.

Both parents loved him — but both also used him as the messenger, the sounding board, and sometimes the weapon in their ongoing conflict.

• When Mum criticised Dad, Ethan felt like half of him was under attack.
• When Dad bad-mouthed Mum, Ethan carried the wound back to her house the following week.
• He learned to stay quiet, to nod, to hide what he really felt — because anything he said could be used against the other parent.

Instead of feeling like he had two homes, Ethan felt like he had none.

The Breaking Point

By 16, Ethan couldn’t take it anymore. Shared care had turned into shared conflict, and the pressure was crushing.

So, he made a heartbreaking choice: he walked away from both homes.

He went flatting — not because he didn’t love his parents, but because he couldn’t bear being the battlefield any longer.

The Silent Cost of Conflict

Ethan’s story shows that even when parents share care equally, the emotional toll can be devastating if conflict isn’t managed.

Young people in these situations often feel:

• Torn in half, never fully belonging in either home.
• Trapped in loyalty binds where loving one parent feels like betraying the other.
• Responsible for adult problems they didn’t create.
• So overwhelmed that leaving feels safer than staying.

What Parents Need to Hear

Shared care isn’t just about splitting time equally. It’s about creating two safe, loving spaces where a child feels free to be themselves.

• If parents poison that space with negativity about each other, the child feels poisoned too.
• If parents force a child to “take sides,” they lose their sense of belonging in both homes.
• If parents don’t protect their child from conflict, the child may eventually protect themselves — by walking away.

A Better Way Forward

If you are separated and co-parenting:

• Keep your battles away from your children.
• Protect their right to love both Mum and Dad freely.
• Use neutral communication tools or mediation instead of speaking through your child.
• Focus on making their two homes places of safety, not battlegrounds.

Final Thought

Ethan’s story is a warning. Shared care can work beautifully — but only if parents put their child’s wellbeing first.

“I feel lost and confused. Mum talks bad about Dad, and Dad talks bad about Mum. I don’t know who to trust.”

Children don’t need perfect parents. They just need parents who stop fighting long enough to let them feel at home.

Because in the end, shared care means nothing if the child feels like they belong nowhere.

Zayne Jouma

Zayne Jouma, Founder and Chairman of FDSS, is a self-taught and trained Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court Lay-Assistant (McKenzie Friend), and Community Coach. He has supported many parents through mediation and conflict resolution, assisting thousands of self-represented parents in Family Court, High Court, and Court of Appeal cases across New Zealand. Zayne is trained in conflict coaching, mediation, and child voice inclusion in mediation, with extensive experience in complex cases involving resist/refuse dynamics, family violence, relationship property, and care of children. He is also a licensed and approved New Ways for Families® Coach, trained by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute.