Should Children Be Asked or Supported to Decide Whether to Cut Off a Parent from Their Life?

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In high-conflict family situations, one of the most damaging positions a child can be placed in is being asked — or subtly supported — to decide whether to end their relationship with a parent. Research consistently shows that placing this burden on a child creates loyalty conflicts, guilt, and fear, with long-lasting psychological and developmental consequences.

Why Children Should Not Carry This Responsibility

1. Psychological Harm

When children are pressured to “choose sides,” they often experience guilt, shame, divided loyalties, and anxiety. These harms do not simply disappear with age — they often remain into adulthood.

    • Adults reflecting on childhood experiences describe low self-esteem, grief, trust difficulties, and persistent feelings of isolation. (Poustie et al., 2018, PMC)

2. Developmental Impact

A child’s sense of identity and belonging is strongly connected to maintaining safe, healthy relationships with both parents. Where this link is broken (without proven safety concerns), the child’s development is often affected.

    • Early separation has been shown to increase risks of depression, reduce academic performance, and disrupt social skills. (Sun et al., 2024, BMC)

    • Broader reviews confirm negative impacts across academic, psychological, and relational outcomes. (Diker, 2023, IntechOpen)

3. Long-Term Consequences

The scars of being placed in this role can extend well into adulthood, influencing mental health, relationships, and overall life satisfaction.

    • Adults exposed to parental alienating behaviours are at higher risk of anxiety, depression, trauma symptoms, substance misuse, and suicidal ideation. (Harman et al., 2022, MDPI)

    • Childhood experiences of alienation are directly linked to rejection sensitivity, avoidance, revenge motivation, and lower life satisfaction. (Scharp & McMurray, 2025, Springer)

4. Adult Decisions, Not Child Decisions

It is essential that decisions about parental relationships are made by adults — parents, courts, and professionals — not left to children to decide. While a child’s perspective matters, they should never bear the destructive weight of determining whether to cut off a parent.

    • Family law guidance in New Zealand stresses that children’s voices should be heard, but not determinative in high-conflict disputes. (FDSS, NZ)

Conclusion

Asking — or even encouraging — a child to decide whether to cut off a parent places them in an impossible position with lifelong consequences. The evidence is clear: this responsibility belongs with adults, guided by principles of safety, protection, and the child’s best interests.

Children deserve stability, security, and the opportunity to maintain safe, supportive relationships with both parents wherever possible. They should be shielded from parental conflict — not asked to resolve it.

References

  1. Harman, J.J., Kruk, E., & Hines, D.A. (2022). Mental Health of Adults Exposed to Parental Alienating Behaviours. MDPI

  2. Poustie, C., Matthewson, M., & Balmer, S. (2018). Exploring the Experiences and Impacts of Parental Alienation. PMC

  3. Scharp, K.M. & McMurray, A.J. (2025). Parental Alienation in Childhood and Its Impact on Adult Life Satisfaction. Springer

  4. Sun, Y., et al. (2024). Association of Early Parent–Child Separation with Depression, Social and Academic Performance. BMC

  5. Diker, S. (2023). Effects of Separation from Parents on Children. IntechOpen

  6. FDSS (NZ). Should children bear the burden of choosing between parents? FDSS

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