For many separated parents, achieving a 50/50 shared care arrangement is seen as the ultimate goal. The idea of children maintaining meaningful relationships with both parents, no matter the separation, is undeniably important. However, as the experience of many parents—like Jack—reveals, securing equal parenting time is a long, complex, and costly battle that doesn’t always go as planned, when you do it through the Family Court – Jack said: “They sucked the life out of me.”

Jack’s Story: The Financial and Emotional Toll of Seeking 50/50 Shared Care

Jack’s journey to shared care took five years of legal battles, costing him over $150,000 in legal fees. After all that time and money, he achieved what he hoped for: shared care of his children. But the emotional and financial toll of that fight left Jack struggling to rebuild his stability. His story is not unique. We’ve worked with hundreds of parents who have set out to achieve equal parenting time, only to find themselves unprepared for the immense demands of the process. Many underestimated the stress, costs, and legal complexities involved, with some ultimately deciding to walk away.

The truth is, while 50/50 shared care can be an ideal outcome, it’s important to approach it with realistic expectations. Understanding the legal process, the challenges involved, and the practicalities of shared parenting is crucial before embarking on this journey of fighting it for up to 2-5+ years, unless your case is very clear and no allegations of safety and the children are old enough.

Key Considerations Before Pursuing Shared Care

While the goal of equal parenting time is noble, it comes with significant challenges. Here are some of the factors parents need to think about before seeking 50/50 shared care:

• Living Arrangements: Both parents need to live close enough to each other to ensure smooth transitions between homes, ideally within the same school zone.

• Consistency and Routine: Children thrive on stability, so both households need to maintain similar routines for school, meals, bedtime, and extracurricular activities.

• Parental Conflict: Children do best in an environment free from parental conflict. Ideally, both parents should be able to calmly discuss their children’s needs over coffee, by phone, or email, in a respectful manner.

• Communication and Cooperation: Successful shared care requires ongoing, respectful communication, even in high-conflict situations.

• Flexibility: Parents must be adaptable. Life circumstances change, and parents need to be willing to adjust schedules due to work commitments, holidays, or unforeseen events.

• Financial Considerations: Shared care doesn’t eliminate financial obligations like child support, school fees, or medical expenses.

• Child’s Well-Being: Not all children adjust well to a 50/50 arrangement. Their emotional needs should always be prioritized over parental preferences, especially when there’s a history of high conflict.

• Co-parenting Challenges: Co-parenting with a difficult partner can lead to significant conflict, making the pursuit of shared care emotionally exhausting and potentially harmful to the children involved.

• Decision-Making: Shared care requires parents to jointly decide on major issues such as education, healthcare, and religious upbringing, which demands ongoing collaboration.

The Hidden Costs of Shared Care

Many parents assume that with commitment and effort, securing 50/50 shared care will be straightforward. However, the financial and legal factors involved can be overwhelming:

• Legal Costs: Court cases can become prolonged and expensive. Expert reports, legal representation, and multiple hearings are often needed unless you choose to represent yourself with support. Jack’s legal fees alone exceeded $150,000 over 5 years battle.

• Time and Energy Commitment: Achieving shared care involves dedicating significant time and energy to the process. This includes attending lawyer meetings, court hearings, and negotiating parenting plans. The emotional and physical exhaustion can affect your well-being.

• Housing Considerations: Courts assess whether both parents can provide stable housing for shared care. After years of legal costs, some parents may struggle to maintain a stable home for their children.

• Career Sacrifices: Achieving 50/50 care may require compromising on your career or job. Having the children 50-50 would require to be present for your children often means reducing work hours, seeking flexible job arrangements, or even changing careers.

• Social Life Impact: With more responsibility for caregiving, social activities and personal relationships may take a backseat. Parents might find themselves less able to participate in social events, leading to feelings of isolation.

The Struggles of Navigating an Outdated System

The reality is that the old family law and social welfare system has not kept pace with the evolving roles of parents. Originally designed for a time when one parent (usually the father) was the primary earner and the other (usually the mother) was the primary caregiver, it struggles to accommodate modern parenting dynamics.

Some of the challenges parents face include:

• Presumption of Primary Caregiver: Although laws are evolving, the system still tends to favor one parent as the primary caregiver, making it difficult to achieve a truly equal 50/50 care arrangement.

• Work and Income Systems: In New Zealand, the Work and Income system generally considers one parent as the primary caregiver for the purpose of benefits, even in shared care situations. This system doesn’t always reflect the reality of a 50/50 arrangement and can impact benefit eligibility.

• Family Tax Credit Adjustments: If parents share care, the family tax credit entitlement is reduced. This adjustment can further complicate the financial realities of shared care, making it harder for some parents to afford the necessary resources to provide a stable home environment.

Navigating the Family Court Process: Uncertainty and Inconsistency

Parents pursuing shared care often encounter complex challenges within the Family Court process:

• Time and Uncertainty: Court cases can drag on for months, or even years, leaving families in limbo with no clear resolution.

• Judicial Discretion and Inconsistency: Judges vary in their approach, and what one judge may approve, another may deny. The unpredictability of court decisions adds to the emotional strain.

• Adversarial Nature: The Family Court system is designed to be adversarial, which often means that parents are pitted against each other, making collaboration more difficult. This can escalate tensions and harm the children involved. Many parents report that the Family Court system is bias.

• Emotional Toll: The court process can be emotionally exhausting, leading to anxiety and depression. The uncertainty of when (or if) shared care will be granted only adds to this distress.

Exploring Alternative Approaches

While the court process is sometimes necessary, there are alternative pathways that may help parents achieve shared care more efficiently:

• Mediation and Conflict Coaching: These processes foster cooperative discussions and may help parents reach agreements outside of court.

• Parenting Plans: Creating a clear, structured agreement outside of the court system can help both parents understand their responsibilities and expectations.

• Support Networks: Seeking advice from experienced professionals, support groups, and community organizations can help parents navigate this challenging journey.

Conclusion: Weighing the Practicalities and Financial Realities of Shared Care

While the idea of 50/50 shared care for children after a separation can seem like the perfect solution, it is vital for parents to consider both the practicalities and financial implications before pursuing it as the ultimate goal. The emotional drive for equal time with children is understandable, but achieving it requires more than just determination—it demands a significant commitment in terms of time, resources, and emotional strength.

As Jack’s story illustrates, the path to shared care can be a long, financially draining journey that doesn’t always lead to the desired outcome. Legal costs, the emotional toll of ongoing conflict, and the sacrifices required in terms of career and social life can be overwhelming. Parents must recognize that shared care isn’t just about splitting time; it’s about providing stability, consistency, comittment and being available and emotional well-being for the children, and that takes careful planning, collaboration, and compromise.

Before committing to a shared care arrangement, it’s crucial to realistically assess whether both parents are truly able to offer a stable, supportive environment. This includes considering living arrangements, the ability to maintain consistent routines, and the potential for ongoing conflict. Financially, both parents need to be prepared for the costs involved, from legal fees to the potential impact on careers and personal finances.

At FDSS, we believe that while shared care can be a viable solution for some families, it requires careful consideration of all factors—practical, emotional, and financial, parents availability and commitments and many other factors. Our goal is to provide parents with the support, guidance, and resources to make informed decisions that prioritise the well-being of the children, rather than the ideal of 50/50 for its own sake.

How FDSS Can Help

Jack’s story illustrates the need for realistic expectations and careful preparation—both financially and emotionally—when seeking shared care. Seek help to reduce the conflict, rather than fighting it the dispute in the Family Court, if possible. Someone needs to compromise – It is important to think about it, whether it is practical, not just in theory.

At Family Dispute Support Services (FDSS), we understand the challenges parents face in seeking equal parenting time and can offer support every step of the way. Our services include:

✔ Conflict coaching to reduce disputes and improve communication
✔ Mediation support to find practical solutions outside of court
✔ Guidance on creating effective parenting plans
✔ Community support networks to connect with others on the same journey

You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Book a consultation with FDSS today, and take the first step toward a workable, child-focused resolution.

👉 Contact us here to speak with one of our experienced support team members.

Zayne Jouma

Zayne Jouma is the Founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court Lay-Assistant (McKenzie Friend), and Community Coach. Zayne has supported many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted thousands of self-represented parents in their Family Court and High Court and Court Of Appeal cases across New Zealand. He is trained in conflict coaching, mediation, and child voice inclusion in mediation, and has extensive experience in complex cases involving resist/refuse dynamics, Family Violence, Relationship Property and Care of Children.