Few things are more painful than watching a once-close relationship between a parent and child start to fracture. In high-conflict separations, this sometimes shows up as a child strongly resisting or rejecting time with one parent.

You can spend thousands of hours watching online videos about “parental alienation.” The problem is that consuming large amounts of one-sided content can make the issue feel absolute, black-and-white, and deeply entrenched in your thinking. Social Media algorithms tend to feed more of the same perspective, reinforcing a single narrative until it feels unquestionably true.

When that happens, positions can become rigid. A parent may begin to interpret every difficulty through one lens. Ordinary developmental behaviour, normal resistance, or even justified distress can start to look like proof of a fixed theory. That can make conflict more entrenched rather than resolved.

The risk is not simply misinformation; it is cognitive narrowing. Once someone becomes strongly aligned with a label, it becomes harder to see nuance, harder to ask alternative questions, and harder to reflect on one’s own contribution to the dynamic. In high-conflict situations, that rigidity can unintentionally deepen the divide the child is already feeling.

The real problem is that when adults become entrenched in a single explanation, the child’s lived emotional experience can get lost. Labels can harden positions. And hardened positions rarely create space for healing.

But here’s the problem: that term gets used to describe very different situations, and not all of them mean the same thing.

The “Parental Alienation” Term is Controversial and Sometimes Misused:

The phrase Parental Alienation Syndrome was introduced in the 1980s by psychiatrist Dr Richard Gardner, who suggested that in some custody disputes, one parent could “program” a child to unjustifiably reject the other parent.

However:

• It is not a formally recognised mental health diagnosis in major diagnostic manuals
• It has been criticised for oversimplifying complex family dynamics
• It is sometimes used inappropriately to dismiss genuine concerns a child may have about safety, parenting capacity, or past experiences

Because of this, many professionals and jurisdictions are cautious about using the term at all.

It is important to say this clearly: this discussion is not about blaming mothers or fathers. In our experience, both mums and dads can find themselves in the painful position of being rejected by a child. And both can, sometimes unintentionally, contribute to relational strain if they lack the knowledge on how to respond to such behaviours – which is the key. In some cases, parents do it unconsciously; in others, consciously.

It is not always the parent alone who is the problem. The real issue is the unresolved conflict and the emotional environment surrounding the child.

When the environment is charged with hostility, suspicion, and fear, children absorb it. They regulate themselves around it. They adapt to it. That emotional atmosphere, not a single label, is what shapes their behaviour.

So, an important question must be asked: how does escalating the existing conflict through adversarial court proceedings regulate the emotional environment around a child?

A court can make orders. It cannot make parents trust each other. It cannot repair emotional injuries. It cannot teach emotional regulation. In many cases, adversarial intervention intensifies defensiveness, hardens positions, and deepens the very divide the child is already feeling.

Legal processes may be necessary in some situations. But they are not, by themselves, therapeutic tools. Sustainable change in a child’s emotional world usually requires insight, behavioural change, and often therapeutic support — not simply litigation.

If the emotional environment does not change, the child remains in the middle, regardless of the order made.

But Harmful Parent-Linked Behaviour Is Real

While the label is debated, the underlying issue many families struggle with is very real: a parent’s behaviour – directly or indirectly – can affect a child’s relationship with the other parent.

We have worked with hundreds of parents who were severely estranged from their children, mothers and fathers who once had loving, connected relationships and now find themselves shut out, resisted, or completely rejected. The pain is profound. The confusion is overwhelming. And in most cases, the breakdown did not happen overnight.

This influence doesn’t have to be direct; it can be embedded in everyday interactions – the words a child hears, the attitudes modelled, the unspoken beliefs conveyed in subtle ways.

Some behaviours that can harm a child’s relationship with the other parent include:

• Repeated negative comments about the other parent in front of the child
• Sharing adult conflict details with the child
• Allowing the child to believe the other parent doesn’t care
• Rewarding or reinforcing avoidance of the other parent
• Making the child feel guilty for enjoying time with the other parent
• Presenting one parent as “good” and the other as “bad” without nuance

These actions, intentional or not — they can gradually shape how a child thinks, feels, and behaves toward a parent. Over time, repeated exposure to one-sided narratives or emotional pressure can harden into resistance, alignment, or rejection.

Understanding Alignment and Loyalty Binding

A long-serving Family Court judge in New Zealand, Judge Clarkson, put this very clearly in Allen v Wade [2018] NZFLR 893 when discussing children’s views:

“…the notion that children’s views are to be independent of those of their parent… is unrealistic and defies the notion of parenting. Everyone’s beliefs and more so children’s are influenced by significant people in life, especially those in a position of authority.”

Judge Clarkson went on to observe that children’s views will be influenced by their parents, especially the one with whom they spend the majority of their time — the people most central in their everyday lives.

This makes sense. Children absorb the attitudes, emotions, and beliefs of their caregivers. They watch, they listen, and even when nothing is said outright, they become aware of how the adults around them feel and behave. That awareness, especially if it creates conflict, doesn’t stay in the child’s head without consequence.

In high-conflict situations, children are influenced by the emotional environment around them. Adult words, attitudes, and behaviours, even subtle ones can shape how a child feels about the other parent. Acknowledging that influence is not about accusation; it is about recognising reality so it can be addressed constructively.

What This Influence Feels Like for the Child

Influence does not mean coercion every time. It means:

• A child may unconsciously adopt language, attitudes, or emotions from a parent
• The child’s sense of loyalty may feel bound to the parent they spend the most time with.
• The child may feel internal conflict by loving both parents but feeling pressure to align with one
• The child may be unable to express that turmoil, even though it affects how they feel inside

These dynamics are part of normal human development and attachment,  not always a sign that the child is acting with full independence or direct manipulation.

A More Helpful Way to Frame the Issue

Rather than asking, “Is this parental alienation?” a more useful question is:

“Has a parent’s behaviour — directly or indirectly — impacted the child’s relationship with the other parent, and if so, how?”

This shifts the focus from diagnosing the child to understanding what the child is experiencing emotionally and relationally, and what behaviours around them may be contributing to that.

It also acknowledges that:

• Children’s views are shaped by significant caregivers
• Influence is not inherently “bad” — it’s part of how children learn and attach
• The real concern is when that influence creates conflict, fear, confusion, or emotional burden within the child

Children Caught in the Middle Pay the Price

When children feel pressure to take sides, they can experience:

• Anxiety and loyalty conflicts
• Fear of upsetting one parent by loving the other
• Difficulty expressing their own feelings
• Long-term challenges with trust and relationships

Even when a child appears confident in rejecting a parent, that certainty may be covering deep emotional strain.

When you move away from labels and instead ask how behaviour and emotional dynamics may be affecting the child, the conversation becomes constructive rather than adversarial.

It shifts the focus from blame to change — identifying what can be adjusted in the child’s environment to reduce pressure, restore safety, and support healthier relationships.

Solutions come from understanding dynamics, not defending positions.

It’s Also Important Not to Get It Wrong

A child’s distancing from a parent isn’t always the result of external influence. Sometimes children pull away because of:

• Past frightening or hurtful experiences
• Harsh or inconsistent parenting or different parental style.
• Feeling unheard or emotionally unsafe with that parent
• A genuine sense of discomfort rooted in the child’s lived experience

That’s why careful, child-centred assessment is vital — not assumptions.

The Goal: Protect the Child’s Right to Healthy Relationships

Children benefit when adults:

• Keep children out of adult conflict
• Speak respectfully about both parents
• Support the child’s time and connection with each parent where safe
• Focus on behaviours and emotional wellbeing rather than labels

This isn’t about winning. It’s about reducing emotional pressure so children aren’t forced to choose sides.

Moving Forward Without Labels

Instead of asking, “Is this parental alienation?” a more helpful question is:

“What is happening around my child that may be impacting their relationship with me or the other parent and how can we change that?” Solutions ?

By shifting from labels to behaviour, and from blame to solutions, we protect what matters most:

The child’s sense of safety, stability, and the freedom to love both parents.

Need Support to Reduce Conflict and Reconnect with Your Child?

At FDSS – Family Dispute Support Services, we help parents navigate access disputes, reduce conflict, and rebuild meaningful relationships with their children.

Start with support that works before litigation becomes the only option.

Check how we help and book your initial consultation today: https://www.fdss.org.nz/how-we-help/