Family separation can be an emotionally charged process, often leading to high-conflict communication between co-parents. Emails, texts, and social media messages can quickly escalate tensions, creating unnecessary stress for both parents and, most importantly, for the children involved. Bill Eddy’s BIFF Response® (Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm) is a proven method to manage hostile communication effectively. By applying this approach, parents can reduce conflict, maintain civility, and focus on their children’s well-being.

Do You Need to Respond?

Not every hostile message requires a response. Many angry emails or texts are simply venting and hold no legal or practical significance. However, if the message includes misinformation that could be shared with third parties, including lawyers or the court, a calm and factual response may be necessary. This is where the BIFF method is most effective.

Key Questions Before Responding:

• Is this message legally significant, or is it just venting?
• Will my response help de-escalate or worsen the situation?
• Does this message require correction to prevent misunderstandings with third parties (e.g., court, professionals, family)?

If a response is necessary, it should follow the BIFF principles.

1. Be Brief

A long response invites more criticism and prolongs the conflict. Keep responses concise and to the point. Avoid personal attacks, emotional arguments, or justifications. A simple, neutral statement works best.

Example:
Hostile Message from Co-Parent:
“I can’t believe you’re trying to keep the kids from me! You’re so selfish and only care about yourself. You’re always manipulating things, just like during our marriage!”

BIFF Response:
“I am following the parenting plan as agreed. If you would like to discuss any adjustments, let me know a time that works for you.”

This response does not engage in an argument or address false accusations, keeping the focus on facts.

2. Be Informative

Instead of engaging in emotional debates, provide clear and factual information. Avoid repeating or refuting their negative statements—simply state the necessary facts.

Example:
Hostile Message:
“I know you’re lying about not being able to switch weekends. You just don’t want me to see the kids. You’re always putting your plans ahead of mine!”

BIFF Response:
“The children have a scheduled school event on Saturday, so I will not be able to switch this weekend. Our parenting plan states that we alternate weekends, and I am following that schedule.”

This approach ensures that the response is factual and avoids escalating the argument.

3. Be Friendly

While it may feel unnatural, a friendly and respectful tone can help diffuse hostility. A simple greeting, a polite closing, or an empathetic statement can shift the tone of the conversation.

Example:
Hostile Message:
“You never consider my feelings! You act like I don’t even matter to the kids. I bet you love making me miserable.”

BIFF Response:
“I understand that this situation is frustrating. I want what is best for the children, and I appreciate your involvement in their lives.”

This response maintains a calm and cooperative tone, making it harder for the other person to continue attacking.

4. Be Firm

Clearly state your position without inviting further argument. Avoid phrases like, “I hope you agree” or “Let me know what you think” unless you actually want a back-and-forth discussion.

Example:
Hostile Message:
“If you don’t let me have the kids this weekend, I’m taking you to court. You’re always making everything so difficult, and I’ve had enough!”

BIFF Response:
“I understand that you are upset. Our current schedule does not include a change for this weekend. If you would like to discuss modifications, I am open to mediation.”

This response sets a clear boundary without engaging in threats or emotional triggers.

Dealing with Public Accusations

In some cases, co-parents may send inflammatory messages to family members, mutual friends, or even post on social media. When responding in a more public setting, remain calm and avoid fueling the drama.

Example:
Hostile Public Post:
“My ex is trying to keep my kids away from me! I can’t believe how unfair and selfish some people are!”

BIFF Response (if necessary):
“I understand that co-parenting is challenging. I prefer to keep discussions about our children private. If anyone has questions, I am happy to clarify matters directly.”

By keeping the response professional and avoiding direct confrontation, you demonstrate maturity and prevent further escalation.

Conclusion

Family separation is difficult, but BIFF Responses® provide a structured way to communicate effectively without escalating conflict. By keeping responses Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, co-parents can reduce unnecessary stress, protect their children from conflict, and maintain a more cooperative relationship.

Using BIFF doesn’t mean agreeing with or giving in to a difficult co-parent—it simply means responding strategically to minimize further conflict. Over time, consistent use of BIFF can shift communication dynamics and help create a healthier co-parenting environment.