Many separated parents enter the Family Court system believing it will provide them with the justice they seek. They expect a fair hearing, a clear resolution, and an outcome that acknowledges their parental rights. However, the reality is often vastly different. The Family Court does not operate in the way many assume, and understanding its actual function is crucial before engaging in litigation.
The Family Court: A Dark Tunnel with No Clear End
Many parents describe their experience with the Family Court as stepping into a dark tunnel—uncertain of what lies ahead, unaware of how long the process will take, and with no guarantee of achieving their desired outcome. Cases can drag on for years—sometimes 5, 10, or even 14 years—draining emotional energy, financial resources, and personal well-being, often escalating conflict rather than resolving it.
The Harsh Reality of the Family Court
In the Family Court, the best interests of the child take precedence over parental rights. However, the concept of the “best interests of the child” is broad and open to interpretation, meaning judges apply their own perspectives to each case. This can make outcomes unpredictable and difficult for parents to navigate.
Unlike criminal or civil courts, where natural justice principles protect individual rights, Family Court decisions are based on what the judge determines is best for the child. As a result, many parents find that their personal sense of fairness does not align with court rulings, leading to frustration and disillusionment.
Additionally, evidence in the Family Court is assessed on the balance of probabilities, meaning the court decides which version of events is more likely to be true rather than requiring proof beyond a reasonable doubt. Judges have the discretion to accept or disregard evidence, sometimes surprising parents who expect a more rigorous evidentiary process.
Understanding the System: A Crucial Step
Understanding how the Family Court operates does not mean you have to agree with it. However, it does mean you need to comprehend its processes, priorities, and decision-making framework to present your case effectively. Many parents enter litigation with strong emotions and personal convictions about what is fair, only to be blindsided by the legal system’s approach.
Knowing how judges assess evidence, the weight given to different types of testimony, and the court’s focus on child welfare allows you to make informed decisions. Avoiding common pitfalls—such as focusing on personal grievances rather than what the court considers relevant—can help prevent unnecessary delays and costs.
Real-Life Scenarios: Parents Navigating the Family Court
Sarah’s 50/50 Shared Care Battle
Sarah entered the Family Court seeking a 50/50 shared care arrangement after four years of no contact with her children. An existing order required her to undergo supervised contact, but she believed her past role as a devoted mother would guarantee equal parenting time. However, the court prioritized stability and continuity for the children, ruling in favor of maintaining the current arrangement with their father. Two years of litigation later, Sarah faced a $27,000 costs order.
Mark’s Allegations Nightmare
Mark was accused of controlling behavior and emotional abuse by his ex-partner. Assuming the allegations would be dismissed due to lack of solid evidence, he was unprepared for the court’s reliance on the balance of probabilities. Despite his clean record, the judge found the allegations “plausible” and restricted his contact with his children to supervised visits. Mark regretted not preparing a stronger defense with character references and expert reports. He was also ordered to pay $12,000 in his ex-partner’s legal fees.
Lisa’s Enforcement Struggles
Lisa had a court order granting her weekend visits with her son, but her ex-partner frequently ignored it. Expecting the court to intervene quickly, she instead discovered that enforcement options were limited. After spending over $20,000 on legal fees, she realised that mediation and improved communication were more effective than repeated enforcement applications.
Jess’s Safety Concerns Ignored
Jess spent over $70,000 and endured five years of litigation, believing the court would recognize the safety concerns she had about her ex-partner. However, the court dismissed her concerns as “co-parenting miscommunications and different parenting style.” After additional appeals costing another $70,000, she found herself emotionally and financially drained, with little protection for her child.
The Cost of Entering the Tunnel
Many parents who fight in the Family Court for years emerge to find they no longer have a meaningful relationship with their now-adult children. Some children resent both parents for the prolonged conflict, while others become indifferent, having adapted to life without a strong parental connection.
The heartbreaking reality? Parents who dedicate years to litigation sometimes end up estranged from the very children they sought to protect.
The Illusion of Finality: Court Orders vs. Real-World Co-Parenting
A Family Court order may conclude legal proceedings, but it does not necessarily resolve co-parenting conflicts. Even with detailed parenting orders, enforcing them in real life is a different challenge. Courts, police, or child protection agencies do not monitor daily interactions. If one parent disregards the orders, the other parent may face ongoing frustration with limited enforcement options.
The reality is that co-parenting challenges do not vanish with a court ruling; they often persist, sometimes escalating into further disputes and legal battles.
When Litigation is Necessary
There are situations where litigation is unavoidable—especially when a child’s safety is at risk due to abuse, neglect, or family violence. In these cases, pursuing legal action may be necessary to secure protections for the child.
However, when there are no safety concerns and disputes are largely driven by parental conflict, prolonged litigation can be more damaging than beneficial. It is crucial to assess whether ongoing court battles truly serve the child’s best interests.
Learning from Others: A Broader Perspective
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is viewing their case in isolation. Listening to those who have navigated the Family Court process before you can provide a clearer, more realistic perspective on what to expect and what pitfalls to avoid.
Taking Charge of Your Co-Parenting Journey
The reality is this: You have the power to decide whether to fight in court for years or focus on a faster recovery. The best outcome after separation is not necessarily a court ruling—it’s moving forward and reclaiming your life. The sooner you shift your focus from fighting to healing, the better it will be for both you and your children.
Support is Available
If you feel confused, overwhelmed, or unsure about your next steps, you are not alone. At FDSS, we provide support to parents struggling with the realities of the Family Court.
- Request a Call Back – Talk to someone who understands the process and can help you gain clarity.
- Join Our Virtual Peer Support Groups – Connect with parents who have been through the Family Court system and learn from their experiences.
Final Thought: Choose Your Path Wisely
Before stepping into the Family Court, take a step back. Educate yourself on the reality of the process, seek advice from those with lived experience, and consider whether litigation is truly the best path forward. You are in charge of shaping your co-parenting journey for the next 1 or 5 or 10 years?—choose wisely. Focus on solutions.
Zayne Jouma is the Founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court Lay-Assistant (McKenzie Friend), and Community Coach. Zayne has supported many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted thousands of self-represented parents in their Family Court and High Court and Court Of Appeal cases across New Zealand. He is trained in conflict coaching, mediation, and child voice inclusion in mediation, and has extensive experience in complex cases involving resist/refuse dynamics, Family Violence, Relationship Property and Care of Children.
