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When Parenting Styles Collide After Separation

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Before separation, many parents work as a team, blending their individual parenting styles with give and take. Under one roof, differences in approach are often smoothed over through ongoing communication and compromise. Think of the old saying, “Wait until Dad gets home”—a reflection of unspoken teamwork, where one parent picks up where the other left off, reinforcing rules or providing a fresh perspective.

But after separation, that balance often vanishes. Without daily discussions and shared decisions, parenting styles that once worked together can now clash, and what was once manageable can spiral into conflict.

Common Parenting Styles

Here are the most common parenting styles:

  • Authoritative: High warmth, high structure. These parents are responsive yet set firm boundaries.

  • Authoritarian: High structure, low warmth. These parents focus on obedience and strict discipline.

  • Permissive: High warmth, low structure. These parents are indulgent and lenient with few boundaries.

  • Uninvolved: Low warmth, low structure. These parents may be neglectful or overwhelmed.

After separation, differences become more noticeable. One parent may lean toward structure and safety, while the other prefers a more relaxed, flexible approach. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but without communication, it can lead to confusion and conflict.

How Dads Parent Differently Than Mums

Mums and Dads often bring different strengths and styles to parenting—and that diversity can be a great thing. But after separation, those differences can become more noticeable, and sometimes more challenging to manage.

🔹 Dads often parent through play
Dads are more likely to engage in physical, hands-on play—wrestling, tickle fights, roughhousing, or outdoor adventures. This kind of play helps kids build confidence, test limits, and develop resilience. But to a mum focused on safety and structure, it can sometimes feel chaotic or risky.

🔹 Mums often lead with nurture and emotional connection
Mums tend to be more attuned to emotional cues, offering comfort, talking through feelings, and creating routines that provide security. To a dad who values independence and “tough love,” this might seem overprotective or too soft.

🔹 Dads might encourage risk-taking
Where mums might say “be careful,” dads are more likely to say “you’ve got this!” Dads often push kids to try new things, take chances, and learn from failure. It builds resilience—but it can also clash with a mum’s instinct to keep children safe and secure.

🔹 Mums are often the default planners
In many families, mums tend to handle logistics—appointments, routines, school needs, meal planning. Post-separation, this can leave dads feeling out of the loop or less confident, while mums may feel overwhelmed or frustrated if things aren’t done their way.

The Reality of Parenting After Separation

Many parents believe that parenting will stay the same after separation. They may think they can continue their pre-separation routine or that things will fall into place. However, the reality is often quite different. Unless both parents can maintain a strong level of trust and open communication, parenting post-separation can look very different from what it did before.

When parents no longer have the same consistent conversations and compromises, their parenting styles can clash in ways that they hadn’t anticipated. The lack of shared responsibility creates confusion and frustration, especially for the child.

Post-Separation: When Styles Collide

During a relationship, parents often balance each other out. “Wait until Dad gets home” wasn’t just about discipline—it reflected shared responsibility. One parent might step back in a moment of conflict, knowing the other would step in. It created a sense of structure and a united front, even if they were negotiating different views behind the scenes.

Once separated, this balance often disappears.

  • Dad’s “fun weekends” might feel like chaos to Mum.

  • Mum’s “structure and safety” might feel controlling or overprotective to Dad.

  • One parent might feel undermined if the other allows behaviour they wouldn’t tolerate.

Real-Life Scenarios

🔹 Scenario 1: Rough Play vs Safety Concerns Dad enjoys wrestling and tickle fights as a bonding activity, but Mum worries it’s too rough and might hurt the child. The child begins mimicking this rough play at school, and Mum blames Dad. Dad feels judged, and the child feels torn. Now the child is confused about what’s acceptable.

🔹 Scenario 2: Emotional Support vs Tough Love Mum believes in nurturing emotions and talking things through. Dad, however, advocates for resilience and tells the child to “harden up” when upset. The child doesn’t know who to turn to and begins suppressing feelings to avoid upsetting either parent.

🔹 Scenario 3: Structure vs Freedom One home follows a strict routine with set mealtimes and bedtimes, while the other has relaxed schedules, late dinners, and no screen-time rules. The child struggles to adjust and feels overwhelmed, sometimes becoming defiant at the structured home.

What Happens to the Child?

Children thrive on consistency and predictability. When rules and expectations differ so drastically between homes, they often experience:

  • Emotional confusion

  • Behavioural challenges

  • Anxiety or withdrawal

  • Loyalty conflicts

They’re not just adjusting to two homes—they’re adjusting to two completely different worlds. And when one parent is inflexible about their style, the child is left caught in the middle.

So, What’s the Solution?

While it’s unrealistic to expect perfect harmony, here are some ways to reduce conflict and ensure your child’s well-being:

  • Agree on core values: You don’t have to parent the same way, but establish mutual non-negotiables (e.g., safety, school attendance, respect).

  • Use a shared communication tool: Avoid emotional texts and miscommunication. Co-parenting apps or services can provide a clearer, more neutral way to communicate.

  • Compromise where it counts: If one parent prioritizes safety, adjust the rough play rules—but also recognise the importance of bonding through activities that build connection. Can you change anything about it? Is it within your control? It’s important to ask yourself if there’s room for adjustment in the situation—unless, of course, there’s a serious safety concern.

  • Use a third party if needed: A mediator, counselor, or community-based service like FDSS can help bridge communication gaps and rebuild trust.

And the child? They’re stuck in the middle.

The Impact on the Child:

  • Confusion: Inconsistent rules make it hard for children to know what’s expected.

  • Loyalty conflicts: Children may feel torn between parents and pressured to “side” with one based on their needs at the time.

  • Emotional dysregulation: Without a unified approach, children may struggle to regulate their emotions.

  • Safety concerns: One parent may worry that the other’s approach (e.g., rough play or lack of supervision) jeopardises the child’s well-being—even unintentionally.

Someone Has to Compromise

It’s essential to recognise that compromise is key. It’s not about “winning” or imposing your way—it’s about ensuring your child doesn’t lose. If parents don’t meet halfway, the child will inevitably be stuck in the middle, caught between conflicting worlds.

If you’re navigating these challenges and need support, we’re here to help – lets talk about it. Request a free call-back: https://www.fdss.org.nz/request-call-back/

#ParentingAfterSeparation #CoParentingMatters #ParentingStyles #FamilySupport #ChildWellbeing #LetKidsBeKids

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