In the midst of a high-conflict separation and complex Family Court litigation cases, children often find themselves caught in the middle, struggling to cope with the emotional strain. Children, being vulnerable and still developing, are not equipped to handle the stressors of adult conflict. They should be focused on playing, learning, and growing—not on navigating the complexities of adults disputes and emotions. When the tension becomes too overwhelming, some children may feel they have no choice but to align with one parent and, in extreme cases, may even start a campaign of hatred against the other parent. This coping mechanism is a desperate attempt to escape the conflict, but it can have lasting consequences for everyone involved.
In some cases, children may start to manipulate the situation “to get what they want” or “avoid being in trouble for something bad they have done” by pitting their parents against each other. They are aware that, ‘Mum doesn’t like Dad, or Dad doesn’t like Mum,’ and realise that saying negative things about one parent will please the other. Sometimes, this behaviour is also a way of seeking attention.
The Child’s Perspective: Feeling Trapped
Children are highly sensitive to their environment, especially when it comes to the emotional states of their parents. In high-conflict situations, they may feel an intense pressure to take sides, even if they don’t want to. To please their parents and avoid further conflict, children sometimes tell you what they think you want to hear. This may include expressing preferences or even making false accusations, such as claims of abuse, as a way to protect themselves or escape from the unbearable tension.
Despite parents’ best efforts to shield children from conflict, children are smart and intuitive. Even if you think you’re not exposing them to tension, they can easily sense it. They know when one parent dislikes the other and might say bad things about one parent to please the other. The constant exposure to parental conflict can leave children feeling helpless, anxious, and desperate for a way out. For some, the easiest way to relieve this pressure is to align with the parent they perceive as less threatening or more vulnerable. By doing so, they may believe they can protect themselves from the emotional fallout or gain favour with the aligned parent. Unfortunately, this often results in the child rejecting the other parent, sometimes through a hatred campaign, where the child speaks ill of or even outright refuses contact with the targeted parent.
Children, by their nature, are often inclined to please their parents and avoid upsetting them. This tendency can lead them to suppress their true feelings or concerns. In some cases, they may even fabricate stories to avoid trouble if they have done something wrong or to seek attention.
The Psychological Impact
Aligning with one parent and rejecting the other can provide a temporary sense of security for the child, but it comes at a significant psychological cost. This behaviour, known as “parental alienation” in severe cases, can lead to deep emotional wounds that affect the child’s development and future relationships.
Children who engage in this kind of behaviour often experience confusion, guilt, and inner conflict. They may struggle with feelings of loyalty to both parents, despite their outward rejection of one. Over time, this can lead to identity issues, trust problems, and difficulties in forming healthy relationships later in life.
Best Approaches for Parents
- Acknowledge the Child’s Emotions: Recognise that your child’s alignment with one parent is a sign of emotional distress. Rather than reacting with anger or hurt, try to understand the underlying feelings that have led to this behaviour.
- Promote a Balanced View: Encourage your child to see the situation from multiple perspectives. Help them understand that it’s okay to love both parents and that they don’t have to choose sides.
- Minimise Exposure to Conflict: Shield your child from ongoing disputes and avoid discussing conflicts in their presence. The less they are exposed to adult issues, the less pressure they will feel to take sides.
- Speak with the Other Parent: Open a dialogue with the other parent to compare notes on your child’s behaviour and feelings. Sometimes, a united approach can help uncover the root of your child’s distress. If direct communication is too difficult, consider involving a mutual friend or family member to investigate or intervene. This neutral party can help mediate the situation and provide insights that may not be apparent to either parent.
- Reaffirm Unconditional Love: Reassure your child that both parents love them unconditionally, regardless of the current circumstances. Let them know that it’s okay to have a relationship with both parents without feeling guilty.
- Seek Mediation or Counselling: If the situation has escalated to the point where your child is starting a hatred campaign against one parent, professional intervention may be necessary. Family therapy or mediation can provide a safe space for everyone to express their feelings and work towards healthier communication.
- Prioritise Safety: If there is clear evidence of safety issues, such as abuse or neglect, your child’s well-being must come first. In such cases, it’s essential to seek legal advice immediately from a psychologist or your doctor. Children’s safety should always be the top priority, and addressing any concerns with the proper legal support is crucial.
- Focus on Co-Parenting: Even in high-conflict situations, it’s important to present a united front when it comes to parenting. Work towards consistent rules, routines, and expectations across both households, and avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your child.
Conclusion
When a child feels stuck in a high-conflict separation, they may align with one parent as a way to cope with the emotional strain. While this behaviour may offer them temporary relief, it can lead to long-term emotional and psychological challenges. By recognising the signs of distress and taking proactive steps—such as communicating with the other parent, involving a neutral party, reducing conflict, and seeking legal advice when necessary—parents can help their child navigate these difficult times with greater resilience and emotional well-being.
Disclaimer: This article does not apply in cases of family violence against one of the parents and the children. This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice. The information is based on sources available as of the publication date.
Zayne Jouma is the founder and Chairman of FDSS. He is a self-taught, trained, and experienced Mediator, Conflict Coach, Court lay assistant & Community coach. Zayne has helped many parents through mediation and conflict resolution and has assisted hundreds of Self-represented parents in their Family Court & High Court cases across New Zealand.
